Holy hell, the NFL season is starting already. What is going on? Where am I?

I gotta study up for the weekend, but for tonight’s Thursday Night Football opener I’ve got one big bet:

CHIEFS -9.5 vs. Texans — Fans or not, the Chiefs will be fired up and ready to run up the score. ✅

My pick is listed first, home team in CAPS, but what the hell does home field mean when you’re playing in an empty stadium? More about who’s wearing which color jerseys, really. Sunday early game picks:

PATS -7 vs. Dolphins – Look, I hate New England. I resent them. I don’t like their fans. I don’t even like their goddamn uniforms – shitty logo, weird font for the numbers. But look, Belichick is The Man. Love him, hate him, you know it, I know it. The man is a goddamn monomaniacal genius who cares only about winning football games and knows how to do it. I thought Cam Newton was an absolute lock for the QB job at the Pats the moment they kissed Tom Brady goodbye. You think the Pats have been good with late era Brady? Think about how good they’re going to be with a good quarterback who can move. Not just like move a little, which Brady can’t do, but move well, like a truly modern quarterback. It’s a superpower the Pats have never had under Belichick. I’m scared about how good this team is going to be. And against the fucking Dolphins? The team that’s given New England fits for years for no good reason and gives Belichick all the more reason to run up the score early? Forget about it. ✅

PANTHERS +3 vs. Raiders – I am very excited to see the name “Las Vegas Raiders” in action, and I am very bullish on the Jon Gruden system. I think these Raiders are a top tier team in the AFC. But I gotta go with my heart on this one – new Panthers coach Matt Rhule’s kid played on the little league team I coached a decade ago here in Philly when Rhule was turning Temple into a winner. (Rhule: nice guy, smart coach.) ❌

Seahawks +1 vs. FALCONS – Sorry, I don’t get it. Why are the Falcons favored here? When in doubt bet the better QB and that’s Russell Wilson for damn sure. ✅

Eagles -5.5 vs. FOOTBALL TEAM – I hate to say it but the Eagles look scary to me this season. Plus Carson Wentz hasn’t had a chance to get hurt yet. And how the hell is an organization with so little respect for itself that it doesn’t even have a team name going to get fired up to play NFL football? Forget about it. I think Washington is looking at 1-15. ❌

Marquee nationally-televised late games:

SAINTS -3.5 vs. Bucs – Man I wish this line were 3 not 3.5 but I half feel like the Saints could run away with this. Brady has a ton to prove and it’s kind of admirable to see him try this, but I think there’s half a chance this is his “Michael Jordan on the Wizards” stint. You remember Joe Namath playing for the Rams in 1977? Me neither, and not just because I was 4 years old. Joe Namath doesn’t remember playing for the Rams. Anyway, even if Brady makes this work and the Bucs are good, they have a lot of new parts and aren’t fully assembled at this point, whereas the Saints are locked and loaded and picking up where they left off. ✅

Cowboys -2 vs. RAMS – This is Dallas’s year, I’ve just got that feeling. ❌

This week: 4-3